19 Jun 2009 Guarding Heart Wounds
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freeyourselftolove“I prayed to be a woman who had an unoffendable heart like Jesus and not someone with a bitter, tough exterior standing guard over her heart wounds.” (pg. 36) These are the first words I wrote down out of Jackie Kendall’s book “Free Yourself to Love.”

When I first read this sentence I thought, ‘Yes! I would love to not let others/things offend me and to be able to brush everything off!’ I use to be great at that when I was in college and something my Dad spent years trying to get me to learn, finally sunk in. The words of wisdom I think I’ll remember the most from my Dad is that “a situation is only as big as I make it.” I remember hearing that a lot when I was in high school and every small event was huge in my eyes. Then one day in college it just clicked. I don’t remember going through something drastic to realize that, I just remember that one day my Dad’s words finally made sense. But sadly, somewhere along the way I have forgotten those words of wisdom. I think about it, but the full understanding I once had isn’t there. I struggle getting back to understanding, and I think that is one of the reasons why I wanted this book, “Free Yourself to Love.”

The last words in Jackie’s sentence hit me even harder as I read back over it, and wrote her words in my journal. “…and not someone with a bitter, tough exterior standing guard over her heart wounds.” Ouch. I think I do that more than I realized. I don’t enjoy hanging on to times when I’ve felt offended or betrayed by someone, but it’s almost like I’ve felt like I have an obligation to remember these things and to not trust someone afterwards. In a way I tend to twist the situation around in my mind and kinda make myself feel better because of course I would never do something so horrible to another, and this person is below me because they did. That sounds really screwed up! Because I know that I have hurt others, we all have…but we don’t always want to admit it.

I’ve known for a while that my mind is the weakest part of me. That’s where Satan knows he can attack me the most with getting in my thoughts and really screwing things up. I have always struggled with thoughts of self esteem. The reason why I was so shy growing up, until college is because I thought that no one would be interested in listening to what I would have to say, so I might as well keep my mouth shut. And I think that’s partly why I like to write and I have journals full of my prayers to God because he loves me and always wanted/wants to hear from me and cares about what I have to say.

Are you standing guard over any heart wounds? Are you holding on to them so tightly so you can have control and prevent God from taking them away? I am finding that there are many aspects of forgiveness and many excuses that we make to hold on to hurts, and sometimes we try to get rid of a past hurt, but the memory keeps coming back…so then what? Already I have been more transparent that I expected as I write out my thoughts on what I am learning. But spending the extra time meditating on God’s word and learning about forgiveness is totally worth it. My prayer for writing out my journey of learning about forgiveness is so that someone else may benefit too.

Hebrews 12:14-15  Make every effort to live in peace with all men and to be holy; without holiness no one will see the Lord. 15See to it that no one misses the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many.”

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One Response

  1. 1

    Can you give me some thoughts on being a woman or women of destiny. Do you have some scriptures example of women of destiny.