12 Jun 2009 Free Yourself to Love
 |  Category: ministry

I wrote the post about a week ago, and am loving the book I am reading. I was expecting it to just be a book I would simply read through, but I couldn’t do just that. I quickly found myself with my Bible, journal and pen in hand as I’m going through the book. I have a lot to share about what I read today, but you’ll read that later. First I want to share what I was going through the first day I started this new journey.

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I am writing this at a very scary time. When I am just starting to give something new over to God, that I really haven’t had direction in before. If you grew up in church you probably heard over and over that you need to forgive others so God can forgive you. And I try my hardest to forgive people, but I always seem to have this part of my brain that keeps a file of every time I’ve been wronged, hurt and angered by someone. Some people that I don’t keep in touch with anymore, some people that are dear and near to me, and some that I don’t have a choice but to be around at times. When I know that I will be around someone I have had a hard time with I pray and pray and pray about what will happen and that God will lead my every step and word. I think the hardest part of forgiveness though, comes when I have to forgive myself for my selfishness and mistakes. I am very hard on myself knowing that I should do better and be an example in everything I do, especially with being a pastor’s wife.

I know this has been a struggle inside of me for a while, and for my birthday I asked for the book, “Free Yourself to Love: The Liberating Power of Forgiveness” by Jackie Kendall. I haven’t told anyone that I got this book until last night when talking to one of our youth about this author, who wrote an incredible book, “Lady in Waiting.” Honestly, I’m embarassed to admit that I need help with forgiveness, that I have a hard time letting go of the past and moving on. I feel like this should’ve been something I had a grasp on a long time ago and that I should be way past this lesson.

But here I sit, scared of the unknown of what God is about to convict me of and teach me about his forgiveness and how I am to truly forgive others and not hang on to the past that pops up in my head constantly. Whenever that happens I try to meditate on the verse, “And now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise.” (Philippians 4:8). I need to go beyond this and study more about forgiveness. I’ve only read 2 pages in “Free Yourself to Love” and feel like God has some amazing things to show me. Ready or not, God teach me.

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One Response

  1. 1
    GG-ma B 

    Maybe forgiveness is tied up with self image a bit… If we are confident we’re in God’s will, and just doing the best we know.. we are more content, and less likely to be hurt by criticism.. etc..

    N.V. Peale one time wrote an article on criticism I kept for a long time.. When it is directed to you.. you look at it, and figure is there any truth to it.. If not.. discard it.. If so, just correct the best you can, and still go ON….

    Yes, forgiving SELF is the hardest. BUT we can never be perfect, no matter how hard we try.. and that’s what hurts when we can’t forgive ourselves.. we should have been more perfect !! I had to consecrate to MAKE mistakes if that glorified the Kingdom, and helped people see they could make it too… without being perfect in every little detail..

    Be your old sweet self.. and God can shine through that !! You betcha !!
    luvya much
    Relax and ENJOY..
    GG-Mom B