“And now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise.” Philippians 4:8

As I was typing out my blog about shame and shared that I keep this verse close in mind when I need it, I gave a challenge to find verses that you can think of in each of the areas mentioned in scripture. I stopped for a little bit after I wrote that challenge realizing that I haven’t done that. I know I have a devotional that has verses for each part in, and I went to my book shelf to find it, but stopped after flipping through a few pages feeling like God wants me to come up with my own personal list, just like I challenged, so that it will be more than just someone else giving me scripture, but so that I can spend time with God and let my Creator lead me to the scripture he wants me to know personally for each thing I should fix my thoughts on.

So here is my list of scripture in the New Living Translation:

True: Romans 5:8,9 “But God showed his great love for us by sending Christ to die for us while we were still sinners.* And since we have been made right in God’s sight by the blood of Christ, he will certainly save us from God’s condemnation.”

Honorable: Ephesians 4:31,32 “Get rid of all bitterness, rage, anger, harsh words, and slander, as well as all types of evil behavior.* Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you.”

Right: Colossians 3:12-15 “Since God chose you to be the holy people he loves, you must clothe yourselves with tenderhearted mercy, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience.* Make allowance for each others faults, and forgive anyone who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others.* Above all, clothe yourselves with love, which binds us all together in perfect harmony.* And let the peace that comes from Christ rule in your hearts. For as members of one body you are called to live in peace. And always be thankful.”

Pure: Philippians 2:13-16 “For God is working in you, giving you the desire and the power to do what pleases him.* Do everything without complaining and arguing,* so that no one can criticize you. Live clean, innocent lives as children of God, shining like bright lights in a world full of crooked and perverse people.* Hold firmly to the word of life; then, on the day of Christ’s return, I will be proud that I did not run the race in vain and that my work was not useles..”

Lovely: Matthew 6:33 “Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need.”

Admirable: Proverbs 31:25,26,30 “She is clothed with strength and dignity, and she laughs without fear of the future.* When she speaks, her words are wise, and she gives instructions with kindness.* Charm is deceptive, and beauty does not last, but a woman who fears the Lord will be greatly praised.”

I didn’t mean to neglect my blog for the last few days, but Tim and I have been really busy having lots of fun! On Thursday we went out to visit our Jr. High youth that were at camp for the week. Tim had been out to the camp grounds before, but this was my first time. I grew up going to church camp, so it was fun to get to see where our youth go for camp, after hearing lots of good stories about Lake Beauty Bible Camp. Tim and I went out to the camp in the morning to meet the kids before chapel, seminars and lunch. Then we stayed for the whole afternoon and left right after dinner to make it back home in time to have the Jr. Highers, who weren’t at camp, over for Soul Fuel Bible Study. Tim made a good video of our day.

Friday was Tim’s birthday! I was very excited and nervous to give him his present because I’m not real good at trying to figure out what to get people, especially guys. God helped me out though and gave me a good idea and provided it for a great price lower than what we budget for, and the only one in town for the deal I got! I’m happy to find out that Tim really likes his drum set for the xbox 360 to play with Guitar Hero: World Tour. We played Friday morning up until we had to leave for Baby Schmoyer’s check-up. Then when we got home Tim started playing again as I got around to go over to the house of one of the girls in my small group. I felt bad leaving Tim for a few hours on his birthday, but I think his gift kept him occupied.

Then for the evening Tim and I drove down to Saint Cloud to celebrate his birthday at Famous Dave’s and then went to the movies to watch Transformers. The movie was pretty good, but I don’t think it should’ve been 2.5 hours long, they could’ve cut a lot of it out. I felt bad for Baby Schmoyer during the movie because s/he kept moving the whole time and didn’t settle down ’til we were on the road for a little bit heading back home. I think the loud sound wasn’t too fun for him/her. I felt worst for the little infant that someone brought to the movie with them though. Their little girl ended up crying a few times during the movie. I assume Baby Schmoyer was way more protected than their little one.

Today, Tim and I got to sleep in for the first time in a few days, so that was really nice. We had a relaxing morning and played Guitar Hero for a little bit in the afternoon. We have 2 guitars, but I think it’s more fun for one of us to play the drums. It’s not as easy as I thought it would be, but it’s fun to try out. Then for the evening we put together Baby Schmoyer’s bouncy seat that the girls in my small group got him/her, and went around pricing camping gear, and ended our adventure eating dinner at Tio’s since we have a ton of money left in our grocery budget for the rest of the month. And now it’s time to just relax and take it easy for the evening!

“Memories can drench one is shame, but the battle is won as we drench ourselves in the truths of God’s satisfaction with us (pg. 39 ‘Free Yourself to Love’).”

We’ve all done something we regret, and even if it’s something that has happened years and years ago, every once in a while a haunting memory can creep it’s way back into our thoughts, and it usually creeps back up in the worst time. If we’re lucky we can just shake the thought and move on with our day. If we let those thoughts meddle in our lives we’ll get worn out and torn down. Instead we need to fill our minds and hearts with God’s words, God’s truths. Any time an unwanted thought comes into my head I try to remember Philippians 4:8 “And now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise.” Find verses that really stick out to you in each of those areas and meditate on them, so when something comes to mind you need to fight off, you can.

“If you find yourself overreacting to a suggestion or constructive criticism, ask the Lord to show you whether or not your reaction is based on pride or unhealthy shame (pg. 47).”

Shame can come from not only past regrets, but from holding on to something we know we shouldn’t. When I hold on to past hurts and have a hard time letting go to be free to forgive someone it causes shame inside knowing what I should do and knowing that after all this time it gets harder and harder to forgive. When I hold on to a grudge it eats at me, and I end up getting use to it, which is not healthy. When someone comes to you in love and correction do you welcome it or do you shut them out and refuse to listen? If you shut them out is it because of pride, not wanting to admit that there is a fault that needs to be worked on? Or is it because you are ashamed of something that you just want to shake away and not work through?

Here are a list of verses suggested by Jackie Kendall to help work through shame and forgiveness.

Psalm 119:42, Psalm 34:5, Isaiah 54:4, Isaiah 61:7, Ephesians 4:32, Matthew 18:7, 1 John 4:20

Last week I made a daily cleaning schedule for me to follow. I really want to get in the habit of keeping our house clean, and I only have a few weeks before Baby Schmoyer gets here to make this a habit. I did great for my first week. Yesterday got thrown for a loop because I cleaned carpet all day and neglected my regular schedule, but I think that’s okay. And today so far I’ve only done a little bit of my cleaning and went to the grocery store mainly for bananas, ’cause I’m pretty sure I pushed myself too hard yesterday. I need to make myself relax and take it easy today. My hands and feet are sore, and I woke up with the worst cramp ever in my left calf. Luckily Tim was already semi awake when I woke up freaking out. Tim tried to get me to relax by saying, “relax relax relax” that didn’t work too well, but once he said, “take a deep breathe” I was able to get under control. It was not a fun way to wake up, but I think now we know that when the baby is on the way Tim will have to be specific in his directions to get me to relax and calm down.

I was so worn out after working and sweating in our hot and humid house all day. I got everything piled back into the nursery and wanted to do one thing that I enjoyed yesterday, so before going to sleep Tim helped me put Baby Schmoyer’s crib together. I didn’t put any of the bedding on though ’cause I didn’t want to touch it with being so filthy. And still today I haven’t gotten around to putting the bedding on. Part of me is just too worn out, and the other part would really love to put it all on with Tim. He should be home soon, so hopefully we can get it done before we have company over this afternoon. Hopefully this evening I’ll feel rested enough to do some of my daily chores and get back into routine.

“I prayed to be a woman who had an unoffendable heart like Jesus and not someone with a bitter, tough exterior standing guard over her heart wounds.” (pg. 36) These are the first words I wrote down out of Jackie Kendall’s book “Free Yourself to Love.”

When I first read this sentence I thought, ‘Yes! I would love to not let others/things offend me and to be able to brush everything off!’ I use to be great at that when I was in college and something my Dad spent years trying to get me to learn, finally sunk in. The words of wisdom I think I’ll remember the most from my Dad is that “a situation is only as big as I make it.” I remember hearing that a lot when I was in high school and every small event was huge in my eyes. Then one day in college it just clicked. I don’t remember going through something drastic to realize that, I just remember that one day my Dad’s words finally made sense. But sadly, somewhere along the way I have forgotten those words of wisdom. I think about it, but the full understanding I once had isn’t there. I struggle getting back to understanding, and I think that is one of the reasons why I wanted this book, “Free Yourself to Love.”

The last words in Jackie’s sentence hit me even harder as I read back over it, and wrote her words in my journal. “…and not someone with a bitter, tough exterior standing guard over her heart wounds.” Ouch. I think I do that more than I realized. I don’t enjoy hanging on to times when I’ve felt offended or betrayed by someone, but it’s almost like I’ve felt like I have an obligation to remember these things and to not trust someone afterwards. In a way I tend to twist the situation around in my mind and kinda make myself feel better because of course I would never do something so horrible to another, and this person is below me because they did. That sounds really screwed up! Because I know that I have hurt others, we all have…but we don’t always want to admit it.

I’ve known for a while that my mind is the weakest part of me. That’s where Satan knows he can attack me the most with getting in my thoughts and really screwing things up. I have always struggled with thoughts of self esteem. The reason why I was so shy growing up, until college is because I thought that no one would be interested in listening to what I would have to say, so I might as well keep my mouth shut. And I think that’s partly why I like to write and I have journals full of my prayers to God because he loves me and always wanted/wants to hear from me and cares about what I have to say.

Are you standing guard over any heart wounds? Are you holding on to them so tightly so you can have control and prevent God from taking them away? I am finding that there are many aspects of forgiveness and many excuses that we make to hold on to hurts, and sometimes we try to get rid of a past hurt, but the memory keeps coming back…so then what? Already I have been more transparent that I expected as I write out my thoughts on what I am learning. But spending the extra time meditating on God’s word and learning about forgiveness is totally worth it. My prayer for writing out my journey of learning about forgiveness is so that someone else may benefit too.

Hebrews 12:14-15  ^“Make every effort to live in peace with all men and to be holy; without holiness no one will see the Lord. ¹⁵See to it that no one misses the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many.”

Baby Schmoyer has definitely been growing lately. Walking hasn’t been as comfortable as it has all along. At our last doctor’s visit we were told that Baby is head down now, so I’m guessing that’s why I’m feeling extra pressure. Also breathing has become a little harder at times, causing me to take some really big sighing breathes. And little feet have found a comfortable place in my ribs, mainly when we’re in the car. On the way to a grad party I felt Baby Schmoyer digging up into my left rib, which hadn’t happened before, usually s/he is up in my right rib. So I started pushing Baby out of my left rib, and s/he just moved over to my right! Luckily it’s not painful, and still makes me laugh. Being able to feel every move Baby Schmoyer makes, makes me anxious to see our little bundle of joy in 2 months. And makes me a little worried of how these next 2 months will go, with knowing Baby will be about doubling in size before the time comes.

The nursery should start to come around in the next week. Tim has invited a couple guys over to help him move stuff around and out of our rec room, off of the garage, to make room for our new office and get everything out of our soon to be nursery. Then if I can be patient I’ll wait until I can have a couple girls come and help me set up the nursery for Baby. I’m afraid I might get so excited and do it all on my own, ’cause I can’t wait to get the crib set up since we have everything for it now.

I added a new recipe on my recipe page. I haven’t used that as much as I thought I would. But Tim and I just had a delicious dinner the other night and I wanted to share it. I hope you enjoy it!

I love how God teaches us what we really need when we need it the most, and how he ties things together that you don’t mean to be tied together. It’s so cool! My journal is filling up with prayers, great things from “Free Yourself to Love” that really hit home with me, and Bible verses that tie in with everything. I like going back over my journal after a period of time to see what all God did in me during these deep teaching times.

I have been reading through Psalms before I open up “Free Yourself to Love.” Even though this book has turned into a devotional for me, I want to make sure I’m reading the Bible first and foremost. Here’s a few verses in Psalms that really hit home today:

Psalm 33:18, 20-22

But the Lord watches over those who fear him, those who rely on his unfailing love.* We put our hope in the Lord. He is our help and our shield.* In him our hearts rejoice, for we trust in his holy name.* Let your unfailing love surround us Lord, for our hope is in you alone.*

Psalm 34:4-6

I prayed to the Lord, and he answered me. He freed me from all my fears.* Those who look to him for help will be radiant with joy; no shadow of shame will darken their faces.* In my desperation I prayed, and the Lord listened; he saved me from all my troubles.*

Psalm 34:12-14, 16, 19-20

Does anyone want to live a life that is long and prosperous?* Then keep your tongue from speaking evil and your lips from telling lies!* Turn away from evil and do good. Search for peace, and work to maintain it.* But the Lord turns his face against those who do evil; he will erase their memory from the earth.* The righteous person faces many troubles, but the Lord comes to the rescue each time.* For the Lord protects the bones of the righteous; not one of them is broken!*

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When we feel like we are being attacked or going through a hard time in life, whether it be something current or trying to forget something in the past these verses are very comforting. The mistake I most often make while reading the Bible is automatically assume that I am the “righteous” person that these verses are talking about, and whoever has offended me must be the “evil” person. For some reason today, for the first time, my viewpoint has changed. I love the promises in the first 2 sets of verses of God freeing us from fears and shame if we rely on him. I also love reading about the joy we will receive when going to God. The third set of verses convicted me, and I almost skipped over verse 16, “But the Lord turns his face against those who do evil; he will erase their memory from the earth.” assuming that I am never the “evil” one the Bible talks about. But as I read back over the scriptures that verse stuck out the most to me as a warning.

As I am reading through “Free Yourself to Love” by Jackie Kendall I have past memories of hurt that come up, and along with those memories are thoughts of how I could get even with someone. How can I up them because they offended me? I know that’s not right, but in my anger I know that it would feel really good, but I also know that it would not be worth the punishment from God I would get for paying an offense back with another offense. I am finding out more and more that before I say or act on anything, while my thoughts are just thoughts at the time I need to turn to God and give the situation over to him and let God handle it for me. And what a great thing to read how to live a life that is propsperous. I do not want to become the evil person that Satan wishes I would be. My life is faulty enough. I need to capture my thoughts and surrender them over to Christ. And I am so glad that I am learning about forgiveness, and how it works and how to go about forgiving others. That has helped when anger builds up inside because of a thought that comes to mind. I still have a long journey ahead of me, but am excited to see what comes of it.

I wrote the post about a week ago, and am loving the book I am reading. I was expecting it to just be a book I would simply read through, but I couldn’t do just that. I quickly found myself with my Bible, journal and pen in hand as I’m going through the book. I have a lot to share about what I read today, but you’ll read that later. First I want to share what I was going through the first day I started this new journey.

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I am writing this at a very scary time. When I am just starting to give something new over to God, that I really haven’t had direction in before. If you grew up in church you probably heard over and over that you need to forgive others so God can forgive you. And I try my hardest to forgive people, but I always seem to have this part of my brain that keeps a file of every time I’ve been wronged, hurt and angered by someone. Some people that I don’t keep in touch with anymore, some people that are dear and near to me, and some that I don’t have a choice but to be around at times. When I know that I will be around someone I have had a hard time with I pray and pray and pray about what will happen and that God will lead my every step and word. I think the hardest part of forgiveness though, comes when I have to forgive myself for my selfishness and mistakes. I am very hard on myself knowing that I should do better and be an example in everything I do, especially with being a pastor’s wife.

I know this has been a struggle inside of me for a while, and for my birthday I asked for the book, “Free Yourself to Love: The Liberating Power of Forgiveness” by Jackie Kendall. I haven’t told anyone that I got this book until last night when talking to one of our youth about this author, who wrote an incredible book, “Lady in Waiting.” Honestly, I’m embarassed to admit that I need help with forgiveness, that I have a hard time letting go of the past and moving on. I feel like this should’ve been something I had a grasp on a long time ago and that I should be way past this lesson.

But here I sit, scared of the unknown of what God is about to convict me of and teach me about his forgiveness and how I am to truly forgive others and not hang on to the past that pops up in my head constantly. Whenever that happens I try to meditate on the verse, “And now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise.” (Philippians 4:8). I need to go beyond this and study more about forgiveness. I’ve only read 2 pages in “Free Yourself to Love” and feel like God has some amazing things to show me. Ready or not, God teach me.

I remember when this family was in the news when Jon & Kate were welcoming their sextuplets. I have caught the show on a few times in the past couple months while leaving the tv on The Learning Channel before or after watching The Baby Story. I think the kids are adorable and I enjoy watching them. Tim was in the room one day while I was watching the show and made a comment about how mean Kate is to Jon, and he didn’t like the show. After hearing his wisdom I started to notice how degrading Kate was to Jon when they would sit and do their interviews throughout each show. That soon started to turn me off from the show, but I still caught the first episode of the current season because of all the advertisement TLC did to hype it up.

Last week Tim told me that Walt Mueller, the founder/president of Center for Parent/Youth Understanding (CPYU) wrote a blog of his experience with the Gosselin family with living across the street from the family. I just read the blog today and want to pass it on. It’s long, so I’ll make this short. Ending with a plea backing up Walt asking people to stop watching Jon & Kate Plus 8, don’t buy their books, don’t book them at your church, in order to get this family out of the spotlight they have gotten in, so that they may focus on their family instead of fame and turn back to God to help them heal.

Read Walt Mueller’s Blog, Jon & Kate … Too Late?

Over a year ago the discount store in town got a lot of fabric in and I let my landlord know because we had talked about putting new curtains in the house. She went ahead and bought some fabric for new curtains in the living room and in the office, which will now soon be the nursery. I got the fabric from our landlord about a month ago to start working on the curtains, and started working yesterday. In the picture the curtain I made is the red one, and those are different boats you see on it. I’m not sure if it’ll go with the nursery bedding we have for Baby Schmoyer, but at least if we have a boy, he wont have pink curtains. I like the bright red better anyways.

A few months ago I was given a sewing machine for free that someone was going to just throw out because they haven’t used it in years. Luckily my friend Amanda thought of me and asked if I wanted it. Of course I did! I’ve been wanting a sewing machine of my own for a while now. So yesterday I got the fabric cut for the curtains in the office/soon to be nursery, and today I got the sewing machine working. I figured it wouldn’t be smart to start in the living room because I have never made curtains before and the ones in the living room will been seen by others a whole lot more.

I did some research on curtains last month, but didn’t find any help on how to make the curtains I need to go on the runners we have. We’ve got the kind of curtains that you see at a hotel, that you just pull the cord on the side and they all move together. I really wasn’t wanting to put the extra time in to make the pleats like these store bought curtains have, but after a few trial and errors I found out that it’s actually easier to put the pins in the curtains if I have the pleats. I was hoping I could’ve just made simple curtains with the fabric loops to hang it from, but that would’ve cost extra money to change out the hardware.

So far I have 1 of the 4 panels done for the curtains in the office. I started getting pretty frustrated with trying to figure out how they would hang best on the runners, but wanted to get one panel knocked out today before going to bed so I know what to do when I get to work on the rest. Hopefully I’ll be pretty skilled at making these curtains by the time I have to tackle the living room. I may have to take a break between the two rooms though if I get stressed out again like I did tonight. This project was supposed to help the pregnancy go by faster, but when it comes to projects I like to just get them done as soon as I start. So that strategy isn’t working out too well so far.